Wonderings and Wanderings...

I know what her voice sounds like.

It's everything and more than I imagined.  This is just amazing.

Is this possible, to be more in love with her now than I was before?  I dunno.  I know I am, though.  I love her so much... wow.  She just sounds magical, from just talking to her.  Ok, I was a little speechless, and couldn't really say anything meaningful... but I think that's 'cause I was stunned.  So amazingly stunned.  Like, wow.  This girl loves me.  I can't believe this.  How could such an amazing, spectacular girl love someone like me?  But she does, and I'm on a high right now.   I feel so lucky, so incredibly lucky that I've found her.

Compared to how much I want to be with her now, before I must've been indifferent. 'Cause, after just hearing her voice, which was, wow, again, everything I'd imagined.  She just sounds amazing.  But, lol, I mean, I don't really care about anything except being there, with her.  Uni is like nothing.  I only stick with it 'cause... I dunno.  Some faded reasons about a higher education that I'm having trouble convincing myself of now... I mean, this place, where I live... it's grey compared to what I sense in Florida.  As if Happiness lives there, and all I have to do is go there to find her.  As if the Sun itself rises there.  Wow.  I love her so much.... I feel kinda unworthy of her... she deserves better.  She's so amazing...

Lol, k, k...I'm just really...lol, something.  Excited?  Happy?  Neither of those quite descibes it.


Amazing what a little phone call will do... I really love that girl... hopefully someday I'll find the means to really tell her how much I do.  Hopefully someday I'll get to tell her in person.  Tell her that Eric loves Arej with all his heart...

Wow... if this isn't a whirlwind romance, I dunno what is, lol.  Wow, I love Arej.

She's everything to me.

I warn you now, reader.  By any typical use of the word, this will get mushy, sappy, even gushy.  All of those at once. I used to think that this sorta stuff was silly.. but now, never.  Never again.  Anyway, you've been warned

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You know... msn can be a lot like a river somewhere.  Whenever you online, it's like stepping into the river and swimming around.  And for each different contact that you have, it's a different river, I think.  Different current.  Some go slow, easily, and the friendship progresses at a slow rate.  Some have barely any current at all, and things.. just don't really go anywhere.  And some... some rivers have fast, powerful currents that just sweep you away.  Everytime you talk to a person with a river like that... you just can't help but be pushed along down the river.

Now for some types of friendships... there are hurdles.  Like waterfalls.  They're imtimidating, yes indeed.  If you wanted to, you could get out of the river and and backtrack until you find a different river that split off of this one.  You're still going forward... you just never took the plunge.

I know I've been scared of those waterfalls many a time.  Well... no.  Stupid.  ALL the time.  All the time.  I've just wanted to skip them and leave them alone a lot, because I fear what's on the other side... after I've gone over the edge. Will there be rocks at the bottom?  I don't know.  It's a risk.

But I just went over the biggest waterfall ever last night... and I can't begin to describe what it feels like.

I love a girl... but it's more than that.  I know that she loves me too.

Now I understand so much more... and understand so much less.  I know now why Doc Brown wanted to stay behind, in the 19th century with his love, Clara.  He didn't care that there was a good chance that he'd be shot in a few days.  He loved her.  That's all that was important.  And even though it made sense to me, when I watched that movie (Back to the Future III), even though I understood it, because that's what everybody says it's like... on a personal basis I simply could not understand it, simply because I had never experienced what it was like.

Until now.

Even my music, for which I think I liked a lot because it hinted at romance in the theme, hinted at a dream that comes true, but never goes too deep so it depressed me that I would never know what that was like.  But now... that same music is like songs of happiness, of triumph, of a paradise reached, and I'm there too!  It's amazing.  Just amazing.  And I owe it all to a girl...

I mean, when one can work a nine hour day on 3 hours of sleep, and not be tired at all?  Where does that come from?  Where one can feel sick, for no reason, and food is almost meaningless in what pleasure it brings.  Where colours are more vibrant, the sun shines brighter, everything I see, I see with new eyes, new light, new perspectives.  Nothing looks the same as it did before.  It's like I've taken off my sunglasses and can finally see the world untinted.  My routines are smashed.  They feel awkward and weird now... things of an old life.  And I'm filled with joy and love because it just exists inside me.  It just happened.  It just did.

I mean, brimming with love! Really!  It's amazing.

Lol... I never thought I'd ever talk like that.  Let alone type like that..  It still feels weird, like... like the darkness that I've had on the edge of my vision for most of my adult life... adult meaning... probably since 12, or 13.  I guess that's not really 'adult', well I for sure wasn't, but... the darkness has been there that long.  And yet suddenly now... it's, like, gone.  Not there.  I even search for it.  I can't find it.  Everything is so bright and beautiful.  But since I've lived with that darkness for so long, I've gotten used to it.  Learned to live, sorta.  So now that it's gone... wow.  It's almost as if I don't know how to live anymore.  Everything is different, and my old ways were those of my older life.  They aren't really the same as before.. they seem... faded.

I guess love will do that.  And I had no idea, really.  I wonder if anybody can really know what love is, until they actually experience it.  That's a generalisation, true, so maybe it's not the same for everyone.  Quite possible, actually.  I just know that I wasn't prepared for this.  I'd thought about it for a long time... what love is like.  I've heard about it from others, their experiences.  How it's like they've been born again.  But to me... it was like something behind glass.  I could look, but not touch.  I couldn't know what it was like to feel for myself.  Sure, it looked beautiful.  Amazing.  I wanted it for myself, but... like I said, I was completely unprepared for this.

You know what really grabbed me today?  For two people to confess to each other that they love each other, and to actually say it, to each other, plainly, directly... I mean,  I've never heard the sound of this girl's voice before.  I have no idea what it sounds like.  I can't tell you how much I want to hear it... how badly I want to see her... it's... completely something else.  Not on the charts.  But.. I mean, I haven't even known her for a year yet!  We've only talked, over a computer connection.  But from that, and over the time from then... to now... I know that I love her.  I know that I always will, no matter what.  It's just... part of me now.  Part of who I am.  I'll always have a part of her inside me.

From everything I've heard/read/seen... I've always thought that many people date for quite a while before they say the three most potent words in the universe.  Heck, how many of those couples become sexually active before they can confess to their partner that they love them?

We've only talked.  That's all.  I can only begin to wonder what it will be like when we start to date.  It... she fascinates me, she intrigues me, she's amazing.  I could rattle off a huuuge list of her attributes that I love.  I know, because they were running through my head last night and today.  I've never seen her face-to-face, but that's the most amazing part, because I know that I've really fallen in love with her.  Not her belongings, not her body, not anything else... just her soul.

Of course, not to say that her body doesn't 'intrigue' me... especially now...

And that's another thing.  Even before I knew, before I told her, before she told me... there was little that we hadn't or couldn't talk about yet.  I mean... we crossed barrier after barrier, smashing through some I'd thought that I was cursed with for all time.  That I thought I'd never get through, that I'd thought would hamper me all through life.  That's what I mean by the current of the river... ours was fast.  Anytime I stepped in, and talked with her... it was almost as if we couldn't help but go deeper and deeper and deeper each time.  Farther and farther down the river.  Over numerous waterfalls, with considerable hesitation yes, but we passed them.  We went over the edge, and survived.  Stronger.

She makes me better than I am.  I don't think I could have ever crossed those barriers as easily as with her.

There are many people... and entities.. that I think contributed to this magic that's happened.  I want to name them all, and thank them.

To Fate.  Lol... this goes without saying.  This could never have happened without it.

To Fictionpress.  That site has given me more than I ever expected from it, and not even what it was designed for.  Thanks for allowing us to meet.

To Sam.  You're an amazing friend. :)  I've always been awe-inspired by how friendly you are with everyone, no matter what.  Thanks for helping me to get over my girl phobia, and to actually lay it all out in here.  If I hadn't done that... I dunno if this would've happened so soon.

To Mike.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate you telling me what it's like to have found your soulmate.  Thank you for always being patient and helpful, and for freely answering those awkward questions I blurted out from time to time about girls, and relationships with them.

And, of course, to Willow.  You really amaze me, Will, on what a fantastic friend you are to Rej.  I couldn't thank you enough for being there for her all those years, and even now, wow.  I was worried about what you'd think... I consider you to be one of my closest friends, and it really amazes me how easily supportive you are to this, and especially Rej.  I love you for your golden heart.

Lol, and well, Rej of course.  Arej, to be specific.  There is a huge list of attributes I could use to describe her.  To describe how much I love that girl, and how eternal this is... wow.  Lol...she is everything I ever wanted in a girl, and more, and I'd always thought that I would never find that, but I have, and it's amazing.  I've been walking on air because of her.  Everything is different now, life is just... wow.  I want this to last, with all my heart.

The simple truth is... I love Arej.  But what makes it even more fantastic is that she loves me too.

And nothing I can say now can top that.

Well the subject matter has been leaning this way from the last two blogs, so I might as well pick it up from there.

It happened again two days ago. And last night, too.

At the Tax Center, a few weeks ago, we had a little celebration thingy where the administration feted the employee task force for "a job well done".  They did the same thing last year, at term end.

Term end was supposed to be three weeks ago... which was when they held this little thing.

It was standard.  They provided us with lunch, cake, some bingo, draws for prizes, speeches by the administration, and we got paid the entire time too. :P  Which might have been the nicest part about it, lol.  My dad was kinda flabbergasted by it.  We were paid to eat a free lunch (paid for by the Tax Center, thus the government, thus tax payers everywhere).

But anyway.  So I was sitting there, at a table among dozens of others in the Data Conversion branch (all that means is we type stuff off from forms), eating my lunch.  I didn't really know anybody.  Most of the people who work there are older people.  Moms, grandmothers, or just people in those age groups.  Very few males.  So I didn't really have too much in common with said people.  Yes, there were a few people there that were around my age.  But most of them had already formed their groups, and from what I could see/overhear, we didn't really have much in common anyway.  So that was a little sad, but wasn't too big of a deal for me.  I mean, one, I'm used to it.  And two, I wasn't really there to socialise anyway.  At work, I mean.  I just went there to work and earn money, and that was how I rationalised it.

But anyway.  Back to eating lunch.  So two people, a guy and a girl, asked me if the two empty seats across from me (it was skinny rectangular tables we were seated at) were taken.  I said no, they were free.  And so they sat, and so we conversed. And it was pretty good.  I enjoyed it, and I think they did too.

The guy's name was Michael, and the girl's Jen (nifer), for later reference.

So two days ago, I went for my break.  Sat down in the rest area, and just... relaxed.  I didn't notice Michael sitting a ways away from me, but after I'd been seated for a bit, he turned around and said hi.  So kudos to him. :)  I appreciated that.  And so we talked until his break finished.

The second case was the same day, and I was walking out of the work area to go home.  And lo and behold, Jen and I happened to be walking fairly close together, so since it was semi-awkward not to say anything, I said 'hi'.  the whole 'hows' it going' thing.  And so we talked until our paths parted.  And that was good.

I guess sometimes I fall into habits of thinking where I wonder why I should be the one to initiate the conversation.  When I'm thinking straight... I don't hold with that.  I think that it's best to just initiate all the time, if there aren't any exterraneous circumstances affecting it.

The girl I sit beside at work is named Vanessa.  We've talked before, but lately all it's been is me saying hi (in the morning, when we both arrive) and her seemingly cheerful mirror of it.  And that's all we'll say all day.  Two words total.

She has a group of people she hangs out with on her breaks, so it's not like she's socially deprived.  I remember when we had our fire drill, and we were exiting the building, going to a safe distance, etc. etc. and since we were in the same proximity while exiting, we became engaged in conversation.  And every now and then, while we were outside walking back around to the front entrance, she would turn and look around behind her.  I was pretty sure that she was looking for the group of friends she usually stays with.  They key in a different area, so they had left by a different exit, and thus, were a fair distance elsewhere back in the long line of people waiting to get back in.  And I can understand why she was looking for them.  It made sense to me, and didn't... well, it did kinda bug me, but it made sense to me.

So sometimes I wonder what else I can really do to prolong a conversation, or in the previous blogs, maintain a friendship.  Sometimes it seems to me like I'm being as open or talkative as anything, but not getting any results with the other person.  And I'll be clueless as to what else I can do.

So sometimes... I just give up on it, if I'm trying and things are going nowhere.  If the other person seems disinterested or doesn't seem to care, or something.

Anyway, just to emphasive, I'm opening the door for any to comment.  Even those of you who I haven't talked with for quite a while.  Do you have an opinion on this? Is there something I do that turns you off?  Or perhaps something that I could be doing?  Consider this a request of knowledge from one who doesn't really understand the rules of the social game.  Feel free to be as open or frank as you want to be.

Then again, I don't expect it, 'cause I'm assuming that nobody of those mentioned read my blogs anyway. :P  Then again... if I read others peoples blogs/online journals, and hardly comment for whatever reason... then surely they might be others who do so.  Perhaps.  Call it a conspiracy theory.

Alright, I'm done for now.  I guess I keep thinking of things I want to add.

I'm not sure what I was thinking the other day.  The tone of the blog seemed a little pessimistic, and I realised today that a hefty, hefty reason for when I'm not the one to take the initiative in conversational matters was a fear of failure.

Hang on a sec... I'm hungry.  Going to get something to eat first.

*goes to get something to eat*
...
*comes back*

Mmm... peach yogurt.  Cold and creamy.  Very good.  And a slice of blueberry peach pie.  Mmmmm. :D

Lol, ok.  The fear of failure.  Sometimes I don't want to chance getting into a conversation, if it's up to me to take the first step, because I worry about what I am going to say.  What can keep the conversation flowing?  Are there any questions I can ask them, for the sake of conversation?  And there's always the risk of saying something, on impulse, that sounds dumb, lol, to be blunt about it.  Something that makes the other person raise their eyebrows in wonder at my oddity.

So the safe method is, if you don't get into it, then there's no risk. But, of course to counter that, if one never enters the social arena, then one can not really improve one's social skills.  Develop their social abilities.

So that is part of the reason why I'm tentative to strike first sometimes.

*looks out window* Whew.  Dark clouds out there.  To the east though, so I don't think they'll hit us... :( :P

Um, and again... I've run out of things to say.

Not to mention that I'm out of yogurt. :P

Well that's the long weekend...

You know what the best part of today is?  Besides it being Victoria Day...

It's a national holiday.  I.e.  A day that government employees, such as ('hem) myself, get off.  And paid.

So that's 125 bucks for doing nothing.  AHAHAHAHA.

Well I did try to clean my room today... :P  So it wasn't all fun and games.  That place had gotten preeeeetty messy, and when it came to the point that I actually had problems looking for stuff tucked away in the order-to-the-madness that I'd created... I figured that yup, it was definitely time to clean the room.

So lots of paper sorting and stuff like that.  My desk was very cluttered, mhmm.

Anyway.  I bought two books the other day.  Considering that I am completely illiterate when it comes to purchasing books off of the 'net, I went to the neighbourhood Chapters and, well, bought two books on impulse.

I haven't had a good book to read in quite a long time...  I also wanted to get away from reading Star Wars fiction.  And since I'd heard from various peoples that "Ender's Game" was a good good book... I went and bought it.

But I've yet to start reading it yet.

The simple reason for that is that I've been reading the other one I bought, and completely bought this one on impulse.  I had no idea that such books existed.  I'd never dreamed of seeing one in a bookstore.  Sure, there's Spiderman fiction, but Batman?

Didn't think it was possible.

Wow, I'm in story-writing mode right now.  The style the last few paragraphs took certainly seems like that to me. :P

Anyway, so, like I said, I just happened to see the "No Man's Land" series put to novel, sitting on a shelf. Brand-new.  I had no idea how true the book was going to be to the original comic series (and if you've see the huge paragraph in my FP profile of me going on and on about how much I love that series... you can perhaps understand why I snatched it immediately off the shelf).

So I've been reading that.  And it's excellent.  No, there's no pictures.  All words.  Beautiful, beautiful words... ahhh...

Btw... Rej, I saw Call of Cthulu at a games store while I was "at the mall".  It looks pretty scary. :P  Have you heard of  the Resident Evil franchise?  Or Silent Hill?  I heard those games were excellent.  The movies certainly don't do them justice (my opinion :)), but I've seen Resident Evil 4 up-close, and I really think you'd like it.  It's scary as hell, and has... well, everything else a good horror game requires.  Need I say... details?  DETAILS??? .... I love details.  Did I mention I love details?

And I'm fairly sure that Silent Hill is just as good as RE.  I guess those two are pretty mainstream games though....  Hmm.

Then again... Half-Life could be considered to be a horror game. :P  I can't count the number of times that game (and its successor) has made me jump in my chair... and yes, that's possible. :P

The writing blog is next.

Well it's probably about time I did this.

I found out today that I've been extended for a week, so instead of being done on the 26th, I'll be done June 2nd.  Which is good 'cause I get paid for another week, but bad 'cause I have to get up early for another week. :P

So that contest will have to be postponed for a little bit. :P

Anyway. My job. How exciting. :P

I'm going to go through a typical day for you.

I get up at 6:30 AM, leave the house 7:00-7:10 with my dad.  I drop him off at his "work", then hightail it off to the Winnipeg Tax Center for my 7:30 start time.  Which I usually make just on time. :P  I'm rarely early, just, er, very punctual. :)

Anyway, I spend the day typing.  Dollar amounts, names, SINs, addresses, personal information, stuff like that.  For 7.5 hours (8 if you count the non-paid lunch break).  Sound boring?  Probably for some, heck, probably for most.  That's the common complaint I get from other people working there, or what people, who don't work at the WTC, imagine my job is like.

But I beg to differ. :P

For one thing,  I'm plugged into my CD player alllll day.  7.5 hours of glorious glorious music.  So that's a major plus.  Name another job where you get to listen to music the entire time, and get paid mondo dollars while you're doing it. :D  I'm running out of music. :)  Meaning, I've listened to pretty much everything I have, so re-discovering fresh material in my CD's is a daily attempt.

The other is that my job is, well, fairly mindless.  It doesn't require a whole lot of thinking or concentration to read off an income tax return, and reiterate that to the screen, via keyboard.  So I get a lot of time to think, which I appreciate.  Just sitting back and thinking about things helps to make things clear sometimes, and I get a lot of time to do that during my job.

You might think that my day goes by slowly.  I'm finished at 3:30 PM everyday, but the hours can go by pretty quickly if you're not watching the clock.  Which, if I am, is motivated by the reverse.  I want time to slow down, simply 'cause I have guidelines to meet.

These guidelines are production goals. Meaning, depending on what type of workflow (type of returns I'm keying) I'm, er, working, I have to key a certain number of returns an hour.  And, to be honest, compared with most of the other people there, I'm not one of the faster keyers.  Compared to the average person, I think I'm pretty fast, but there are some crazy-fast people there.  So my stats are usually not very far above the production goal.  Which is ok in my eyes.  As long as I key the desired amount of returns per hour, I'm happy.  Sure, I'd like to be faster, but I can only go so fast, to the point where I really don't think I could go any faster.

Anyway, so I often wish time was moving slower then it is so that it looks like I'm keying faster then I am, if you see what I mean. :P

That place is like a shopping mall.  There's escalators (two floors), plenty of plants in, er, planters, rest areas where people can sit down.  And when I do sit in said areas, there's always people coming and going past me.  Up and down the hall way, coming up the escalators or descending, and I know none of them.  They're all faces in a crowd.  The WTC is like a huge machine.  I, the data keyer, am only one small cog in the process.  I take returns, key them, and give them back.  I don't know where they come from, or where they go.  All I know is that I get paid good money, and that I get to listen to music all day. :)

Sometimes it can be frustrating.  My hands/arms get sore sometimes, and it seems the error gods demand appeasement (if certain parts of my keyed return don't check out with the system, I'm asked to rekey the curious areas.  If my second keying isn't identical to the first, I'm asked to rekey the differing info again, and if I do, I'm charged an error.  If I don't want to key the stuff a third time, I can just choose to rekey the entire return over again, which is pretty time consuming,  And if it keeps happening with subsequent returns, it gets irritating...).  So those are stressful days, and thus, not fun days.

But the pay is worth it. :P

I guess that does it for the boring job stuff.  More onto contemporary.

I went to Dairy Queen for lunch today.  Didn't quite have time to make lunch this morning (I rarely do have time), so all I had for food were some granola bars.  Thus, since I had been planning on treating myself at DQ for awhile, I went, and had a banana split blizzard.

I love blizzards... but it probably wasn't the best thing to have for lunch.  I was kinda feeling a little sour in the stomach by the time my day was over. :P


There's going to be a blood donor clinic next week.  There was one last year too.  I tried going to that, but my blood wasn't viscous enough for me to finish the donation in time.  That's what the trackback is referring to anyway.  So I want to try again this year.  I'll have to drink a whole lot more water this time. :P  My donation time is on the 24th, at 4:00 PM.

I think that does it for today.

Oh, that scared the crap out of me...

I'd heard that 228 was marked and posted.  And fearing the worst, I did not want to check.  Did not at ALL.  But I just checked, and well, 'A' for me.  Better then I was hoping for too, lol.  They must've curved it.  *breathes heavy sigh of relief*

 

Anyway.  I feel much better now.  Still no sign of 208... but I don't know what to think about that.  Can't believe I got an A on 228.. didn't think that was possible, with the way I did on the midterm.  They HAD to have curved it.  I certainly don't think I did very well on the exam..

 

Oh well... I'm happy. :)

 

Anyway.  I also wanted to comment on the weirdness of those two comments I got for 'Psychological' two days ago.  Downright weird.  I have no idea who those people were, or are, and don't see any connection between me and them.  I guess that's what I get for allowing anybody, whether they're on my contacts list or not, to view my page.

 

Possible that they were Fictionpressers, considering that I have my Space listed as my homepage... but there was no hide or hair of writing or FP on their spaces... so I have no idea.  Twas quite weird, unexpected... but nice. :)  And I'd agree with the one person, sometimes I do think too much. :P  I probably will continue to do so anyway...

 

This will kinda change the flavour of where I'm going, but I felt like it today.  That 'want to get away from life' feeling.  I almost wish I could retire from life...

 

Society is a machine.  A thresher, grinder, assembly line of robotic appendages that mold and shape the clay that goes through, so that they're all fairly similar to each other.  The ones that don't seem to fit are grinded and grinded until they're forced into submission... one way or another.

 

I think there's a definite system to popular society.  A system of hidden rules, of methods, of fine lines, of codes and ethics.  How many times you can ask someone questions before they get annoyed.  What the right things to say, at the right moment, to sound funny or entertaining, and not awkward.  How to initiate conversations, and keep them going, feed them, not let them die.  How to fit in, meld with the group, become accepted by others.

 

I've realised that I don't fit this system.  I haven't for a number of years now, and I don't think I ever will.  Sure, I feel I can change.  I like to think I have an open mind, so I'm open to new ways of life, new ideas and ways of doing things.  How to become a more model creature in this society of ours.

But there are some areas where I will never enter successfully.  I won't ever be a truly social person.  I will not do well in large groups.  In fact, the only way I can be quite social to some degree is if I've known the people for some time, and I don't wonder or worry very much about how my actions are affecting the relationship.

This usually comes after some time, however, and most generic relationships never reach this stage anyway.

I am abstract.  I am complicated.  I am an extrovert.

I will probably also worry and wonder about things in general for many more years to come...

But I won't break.  If there is one thing I despise, it's conforming.  I hate it.  I hate doing it.  It feels like defeat to me, like I'm bowing to the will of society.  If I condemn myself to a lifetime of awkwardness when it comes to everything social... then so be it.  Unfortunately.  But I won't sacrifice who I am, the things I value, or perhaps even what I like to think is an open mind, so that I can become more like "them", and succeed when it comes to other people.

 

I am who I am.  It isn't pretty.  It isn't organised.  It isn't normal.  But it's all I have, and I won't give it up.

 

P.S.  I'm still happy like I said waaaay earlier. :P  I was just thinking about this today, and wanted to get it out of my system.  One of these days I swear I'm going to do a blog on worrying:  what I like about it, what I don't, and everything inbetween.  If I'm good at something in this world, it's worrying.

 

P.P.S. Porcelain, by Moby, is a great great song.  I used to have on my FP profile that it described me in the best way I knew possible, that when I listened to it, I related to it to the highest degree.  But I hadn't listened to it for quite some time... until today.  At work, actually.  It's the first song in a loooong time that I've had looping over and over.  It was doing that for at least half an hour, if not more.  Hard to keep track of time at work sometimes. :P  It's like I rediscovered Porcelain after forgetting, for quite awhile, about the effect it has on me ... Anyway, so that was the inpetus behind my, err, bringing it up today.